so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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