I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
