My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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