you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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