if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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