im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
