no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
