i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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