I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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