I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
