You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I would fuck him just for his dog
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
