So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
