He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
