I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
