remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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