I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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