Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
