I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
