GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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