well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
