its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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