you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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