That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
