Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
