then he tried to convert me to islam
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
