My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
