I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
