He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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