make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
