Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
