WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
