i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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