What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
