Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
