I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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