Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
