i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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