good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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