I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
