Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
