Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
