God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
