does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
