I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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