Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
