onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
These tits shall not be calmed
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