So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
