Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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