I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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