i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
